It’s not on every occasion that Louie & I roll out. When jobs & families collide they don’t leave a whole lot of room for friends on downtime. So we rolled hard. We were hopping from spot to spot and eventually the conversation came to the ladies in our lives.
I don’t mind stating that I’m a relationship guy. I came to grips with that more than a decade ago. Louie keeps saying he’s looking for the right female. In the past 20 years he’s only had 1 maybe 2 long term relationships.
As I point that out to him we barrel down a winding road trying to find a shortcut to this after hours party. Maybe 1 too many bourbons I’m thinking to myself. Maybe it’s more the fact that it’s 2 am, raining and pitch black that has me white knuckling the wheel. Louie says he really is looking for the compatible woman. He’s just not going to settle for someone thats ok and not truly what he’s looking for.
What are you looking for? That’s my question lingering in the air at the red traffic light. “just someone who can hold a conversation and has something going on with their life” he responded. C’mon man, I can name 2 or 3 females that you’ve dated that were really good company and had decent jobs. “Well I gotta be attracted to them too” Louie implored. Hmm That seems like par for the course to me. Listen your not gonna find Beyonce mixed with Martha Stewart and Pinky (if you don’t know who Pinky is don’t sweat it).
Louie’s taste in females has definitely changed. He used to date the superbad chic from the hood. Crazy proportions like Betty boop were common for females he dated back then. They were either cashiers at Wal-mart or didn’t work at all, and there’s nothing wrong with being a cashier at Wal-mart if you have a plan for what your going to do in the future. Unfortunately many times it seems that they didn’t. While Lou has a bachelor’s degree, a teachers license, has rental property, and runs a small business a typical hood female didn’t seem the right fit for him.
Louie finished his master’s and is in law school now. He’s dating nurses, principals, and other professionals now. However, I suspect that fatal flaw is still there in his relationships. We’ve double dated on numerous occasions and for whatever reason he always finds something wrong with the females he dates. I think he’s always looking for the grass just a little bit greener. The girl that’s just a little prettier than the one he’s dating right now. Is my perception of reality distorted or is Lou a visionary. Is he asking for too much or am I asking for too little? Is there a median in between? I really don’t think it matters who the girl is Lou picks. Whether she’s the hoodrat, hospital nurse, or head of marketing for a large company his issue will always be the same.
Remember Chris Bender – Who will I choose? This soldier does a pretty good rendition.
In the mood for the original? Here ya go!
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Lou is too picky, maybe just a tad, but picky nonetheless. The question is, has his “confirmed” bachelor lifestyle benefited him in any way? Or has he avoided the problems that face the 'relationship' guy? There is something to be said about being finicky but he has child support issues like the rest of us! He has 'Baby mama drama' like the rest of us. and to have all that w/out the benefit of having loved or be loved seems sad to me.
And as far as “Finding” someone, that my friend is a myth of epic proportions. what you 'find' is someone willing to work with you and the two of you change and grow together. Relationships are not on a to-do list. They are cultivated over time and with effort. Maximum effort! Sounds like your boy doesn't want to put in the effort.
I think that Lou is someone who knows what he wants and they say that knowing is half the battle. It seems that b/c he wants someone that he can talk to, and who can actually hold an intellectual conversastion with him outside of the sheets along with being attractive is something that he can't seem to find. And it's not at all uncommon, b/c most adults feel the same way (myself included).
And Skillz, when you're on these double dates, of course the females seem nice. But you have to understand that some females play a role b/c they know that if they are accepted by the best friend then chances are the best friend can save them whenever dude tries to gracefully back out of the relationship. But you never know how annoying someone can be at times.
I know this is so cliche, but Lou doesn't need to look for the right woman and none of his friends need to find the right woman for him b/c when it's his time to love then it'll come to him. Right now, he's just going through the motions of dealing with all the duds so that when the real woman comes along he'll appreciate her that much more!
Your opine Viscera maybe clouded in the fact that you KNOW “Louie” lol. You’ve included a few more tidbits into the story as far as child support & baby mama drama. These are almost rights of passage but yes he does endure these issues.
He would insist that he’s not trying to avoid the issues that some relationships have but instead be focused on trying to find the best female partner possible. Wouldn’t you agree?
Ness your always so insightful. Have you ever wondered if the “one” got away? Lou is my best friend. We go WAAAY back, so I know him like a brother. Problem is when do you actually find someone who's good enough? How many decades have to go by? One more decade and the options will be even more slim. Sometimes the problem isn't finding someone else but rather finding out who you are.
Interesting problem, I can relate to Lou and the long term drift that he endures. Could it be that it doesn't matter what job they have they all go to the same school of romance. I dated so many women that thought we should all be pirates swinging down and rescuing them. warped sense of reality from 2 many romance novels or bad advice from other women who are sure they have found the next screwball way of treating men so they fall in love.
Men are a lot less complex than women think and the desire they have to fix us never allows them to accept who we really are. My advice is keep looking it doesn't matter if they are hoodies or have a PHD. eventually you will find a partner and not a physcotic woman that needs to fix you.
I think what Lou's problem is exactly opposite of what Ness said. I think he doesn't know what he wants and sees too much good or too much bad in each woman he dates. The old adage is if you're the one bored you might be boring. That being said, I think it's selfish and irresponsible to date indefinitely, indiscriminately and without purpose. The bible says that expectation postponed makes the heart sick and there can be no doubt that someone in the many dozens of Lou's dates has been made sick with expectation denied. There are certain expectations that come with dating, some women ask “Where is this headed” while some men want to know, “When am I going to hit it?” Dating is the on-ramp to a successful relationship. Who wants to keep getting on and off without progressing?
1 thing I would like to add is this: You can find out about someone before you date them. As Ness surmised a person does put their best foot forward, it's human nature. But to really get at the heart of a matter, ask around. A person leaves a reputation at work, with family and friends. And you can go on group dates to see if how they are with various people. That's real good if you have friends of a different nationality.
Just thoughts…..
Lou needs to examine “Lou” to find out why he's not in a committed relationship.
216skillz, you sound like a dedicated friend who wants the best for his friend. However, I sense that you want Lou to approach dating the same way you do. You are an admitted “relationship guy,” so you might want to keep in mind that he may not have reached that stage in his life yet.
But u have to admit tht the fact tht Lou stated tht he wants a woman who he can connect with and still be attracted to is a start.
Let's be honest, thr r some nut jobs out thr (both men & women alike) and I personally have been looking for the same type of chemistry but sometimes u get stuck w/ a couple of duds here and thr whr u think it could potentially lead to somethng and then u realize its all fluff and now ur back to square 1.
Not all females want to knw “whr is this going”. Some want to knw:
1) Is he going to take me shopping
2) Is he gonna take me on trips
3) Whn is he gonna get the hell out after I get mine.
And not all guys want to know “whn am I going to hit it”. Some want to knw.
1) Whn can I take her out on a date.
2) Whn can I put her on a pedestal.
3) Whn is she gonna stop preaching about how independent she is and let me be a man to her.
Everyone want different things. Just as long ppl have some sort of idea on wht they're looking for then it makes it a little easier to weed out what you don't want.
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this is Lou….i appreciate the concern…I happen to feel that God made somebody just for me and one day I am going to meet them….
unfortunately it has not happened yet but life is a process and not a period… I am patient…..she will come and I will treat her right
and she will do the same for me….I dont believe in putting a round peg in a square hole….it got to be right to really work…and no one but
me and that person knows when and what that is…
Love u like a brother
Who will i choose, man it should say take your time the right one will come. First off my man, you need to be cool. Love conquers all. The best man will get the lady. Patients has to be the key here. I know a person like this, and it bothers me at times when she puts herself out there like that. Is he being too picky? maybe. I guess we will never know. All i say is keep trying but not so hard, and before you know it, she will come. Just ask me i have dated men, and i thought was right for me, and was ALL WRONG. Then i met the man of my dreams and we plan to marry soon. So you see if you play your cards right God will bless you with someone special, you just have to have patience. Just keeping it real with y'all don't hate.
It's quite simple. Lou needs to take a long moment and think of 5 or 6 qualities in a mate that he can not live without. This surpasses where you come from, who your parent(s) are, where you were raised, because at a certain point in time you have to take reponsibility of your life and educate yourself through awareness.
These special qualities….and I dont mean nice car, nice job, great butt etc…All of those things can change. What we need to find are those 5 or 6 qualities in a woman/man that are undisputably the most important things.
For me 9 years of marriage this week…Trusting wife, kind and caring mother, physically and emotionally attracted to her, and a career and I dont care what the career is as long as it is stimulating to her. Those are my qualities
The rest of the stuff is just fluff….it would be nice to have but its not necessary. To many relationships are based on the fluff factor.
By the way my wife has great legs
Those questions were allegorical, showing that expectations do result from dating. It's true that some women ask the questions you pose but the fact you added more proves my point. Dating should be done with a view toward moving forward, not as a recreational pastime……..
I would like to add that I don't believe in premarital sex any longer. Sex confuses things for people on both sides and if the”EXPECTATION” of sex were removed from this casual dating we're discussing (or not so casual,admittedly), then we would see very quickly what Lou is in this for. Save things for marriage and you'll have a happier marriage as a result.
I'll share something w/ you. I'm married and my wife and I didn't have sex before marriage. It was as difficult as you can imagine but we have a deeper respect for each other as a result. Mind you, we have our problems like any other couple. But, they're not sexual. We waited because we are both religious and see the wisdom of waiting and keeping that part of our relationship precious. Now as far as 'Finding' her, I'll admit we don't see eye to eye on quite a bit, to the point where it's been questioned whether we should even be together but, we have a solid foundation to build upon that isn't confused by sex.
I guess what I'm saying is relationships aren't about finding someone, to me it's about 'making' something worth having.
I like that JIMMIZ, to me a relationship is about giving, not what you receive so it goes hand in hand that who you spend time with should be giving and appreciative as well. My wife has great legs too!! DADDY LIKE. LOL!
It's quite simple. Lou needs to take a long moment and think of 5 or 6 qualities in a mate that he can not live without. This surpasses where you come from, who your parent(s) are, where you were raised, because at a certain point in time you have to take reponsibility of your life and educate yourself through awareness.
These special qualities….and I dont mean nice car, nice job, great butt etc…All of those things can change. What we need to find are those 5 or 6 qualities in a woman/man that are undisputably the most important things.
For me 9 years of marriage this week…Trusting wife, kind and caring mother, physically and emotionally attracted to her, and a career and I dont care what the career is as long as it is stimulating to her. Those are my qualities
The rest of the stuff is just fluff….it would be nice to have but its not necessary. To many relationships are based on the fluff factor.
By the way my wife has great legs
Those questions were allegorical, showing that expectations do result from dating. It's true that some women ask the questions you pose but the fact you added more proves my point. Dating should be done with a view toward moving forward, not as a recreational pastime……..
I would like to add that I don't believe in premarital sex any longer. Sex confuses things for people on both sides and if the”EXPECTATION” of sex were removed from this casual dating we're discussing (or not so casual,admittedly), then we would see very quickly what Lou is in this for. Save things for marriage and you'll have a happier marriage as a result.
I'll share something w/ you. I'm married and my wife and I didn't have sex before marriage. It was as difficult as you can imagine but we have a deeper respect for each other as a result. Mind you, we have our problems like any other couple. But, they're not sexual. We waited because we are both religious and see the wisdom of waiting and keeping that part of our relationship precious. Now as far as 'Finding' her, I'll admit we don't see eye to eye on quite a bit, to the point where it's been questioned whether we should even be together but, we have a solid foundation to build upon that isn't confused by sex.
I guess what I'm saying is relationships aren't about finding someone, to me it's about 'making' something worth having.
I like that JIMMIZ, to me a relationship is about giving, not what you receive so it goes hand in hand that who you spend time with should be giving and appreciative as well. My wife has great legs too!! DADDY LIKE. LOL!
I think Louie is looking for a soul mate. I think he does not want to settle for less than that. When you meet your soul mate, looks, body measurement, etc does not matter. You just want to be with that person. They complete you. It is ok to be honest about what is attractive to you. Some people may think its shallow. Maybe to some degree it is. The bottom line is its the way he feels and he knows what he wants.
At the end of the day Louie and his friend want the same thing. True love.